Mental Hardcore Health Newsletter #7 - Performance Anxiety
Lately, more DJs and producers have begun to open up about their mental health struggles or issues - such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder and so on, and to talk about them.
The response has been varied, but most of the time positive, and much better than I expected.
This is a huge step towards making mental health problems less of a taboo; in the hardcore scene, in the techno, and in society as a whole.
Yet there is still another, related taboo; a topic that is still kept secret, hidden, invisible, most of the time.
Because when mental health issues of artists and musicians become known, this is often seen as a split, 'two part' type of thing. As if there were, on the one side, the artist, his music, his performances - his idolized, desired life - and on the other side the 'problem', the trouble, that is somewhat detached from the 'artist' life of the musician.
Like a famous movie director who opens about a cancer diagnosis; there is the beloved life of the director and his movies; and the illness is somewhat in the way of him pursuing his creativity, of creating further movies; and people wish him well, so that he gets cured and can pick up making great films again.
but what is there is not "art", "music", "performance", "activity" on the one side, and the "mental health issue" on the other side?
What is if the activity is deeply entwined in the problem, connected, interlinked? not something you could split off and get away with so easily?
What I'm talking about is DJs, artists, producers having severe mental issues when trying to follow their creativity and / or performing their art.
such as anxiety and panic attacks in relation to DJing in front of a crowd at a club; or panic and fright that even prevents them from entering a club and location at all.
depression and social disorders that prevent them from meeting other artists or other people involved in this music scene.
"social anxiety" does not stop once you enter the internet; there might be artists who have problems dealing with people online as well, and simply being "too scared" to upload and share there music on the internet, on video sites, etc.
to be more exact, there are people who literally go through hell when being booked at a party; with traveling to their destination, checking in at their hotel / place to sleep, arriving at the club, and finally, performing, each being its own unbearable infernal torment for them.
this can be a huge problem; not only on a "personal", mental level, when having to live through such amounts of pain, fear, or sadness; but it can also fuck up your trajectory as an artist for good; because whether you are a producer or DJ, performing in the real world, at clubs, is a huge part of being active in the music scene, and if you can't do that because you feel too frightened, well, yeah, that's a real shit situation then.
or if you are too scared to share your music online because of your social fears... well, this really sucks then, too!
I've mostly mentioned anxiety related "disorders" here; but this of course goes for such things as depression and other problems as well; if you can't produce new music because you are heavily depressed, or even delete your music collection because you are so severely haunted by dark thoughts, then this is a big problem, too.
I said that this matter is still a taboo; I rarely heard of active musicians opening up about the panic or despair they feel when performing yet - and all the related things to that. And this is quite understandably so.
In a former newsletter, I mentioned that one of the problems of being "hardcore and mentally ill" is that there is still this trope of being macho, strong, tenacious, 'hardcore' in this scene; and you don't feel very hardcore when you want to run away crying and screaming while spinning tracks at a club.
One of the reason people don't talk about problems such as this is that they feel that they might be considered wimps, cowards, and weaklings in the scene then; this is generally true for opening about issues, but as mentioned in the beginning of the text, if you just speak about having anxiety or depression in a general, more abstract way, you might think you could get off as still being considered 'truly hardcore' - with having 'these issues' somewhere hidden in your private life, which is not really part of your online and music persona.
but if your 'weakness' exactly is inside 'performing hardcore' - that's a whole different matter. your mental core is really exposed to your fans - truly, deeply exposed.
but i think these are all prejudices. "mental illness" should be just as free of stigma, speculations, stereotypes as physical illness.
no one would mind, or think badly of you, if you perform at a club with one leg in a plaster because you have a broken bone; or any other physical problem.
therefore no one should mind if you perform at hardcore club while 'panicking out of your mind', or having any other mental problem.
Let's grow up and get real, folks. you can be a true, bold hardcore head and still being very fearful or 'clinically sad' at times. because life is complex, the world is complex. and *you are complex*.
it is like it is.
So, for the future I wish that more artists, producers, DJs, technicians, geniuses, and other people that are active in the hardcore scene, would open up and speak about their problems. to get rid of these 'prejudices' inside people's head, and to show others that they are not alone and not the only one in these regards!
For previous editions of the Mental Hardcore Health Newsletter, look here:
